I woke up at 2:30am to a text from Maureen. iMessage Today 01:31 "I need help are you awake" The ignore/respond debate was shorter than usual despite my alarm set to go off 2 hours later. "What if I don't respond and then I can't fall back asleep anyway," I prophesied. Maureen was okay, just overwraught. I texted Alex chiding him for not sending me a Goodnight-text only to find out he was ill and struggling. I wasn't falling back asleep.

The very important people in my life have been going through huge changes: moving, engagement, loss of a parent, changing jobs, moving, wedding planning, joint-custody parenting, deciding whether or not to have children, and moving. I, myself, am going through a distinct phase of fear paralysis (as a result?).

Worry is the undercurrent of adulthood.

The purported 'goal' is to beat back every fear and dedicate yourself to the American impetus of YOLO and FOMO (aka live life to the fullest, et al). But the reality is the veil of image-management that culture makes mandatory only serves to suppress and exhaust. This is why adults need coloring books and debilitating amounts of wine because coping, existing through discomfort, has been phased out.

Sometimes I worry I have phased myself out. The only way to combat that is to show up and be rigorously honest, loving, and supportive.

Letting go and starting over is the momentum of adulthood.

I am Amy Elizabeth, age 31 and I am in a state of flux.

x/Amy