Infinite lives with a restart to level one. That is an illusion.
I lost the throat chakra bracelet my mother bought me for Christmas. I appreciate Buddhist gifts on Christian holidays. I have a bad habit of losing jewelry but typically I find it again. Not so much, this time. However, I'm starting to wonder if losing the bracelet could be the most functional part of receiving this gift. Buddhist concepts, chakras, and mantras are intended to be meditated on and that bracelet (and subsequently, the chakra itself) has been on my mind constantly for the last month. Also, in the last month I've also gotten back to writing, sharing, and opening up more than I have in years, it is the chakra of the voice.
I have needed that voice to communicate where I'm at in my early 30's. I am exceptionally normal though adorned with unique experiences and brain chemistry. I am absorbing that this is what humanity has to offer - coinciding connections rather than coincidences of time and space.
Last Monday, there was just enough time in a stop at Starbucks for me to muster up a proper meltdown. I had decided to visit my father's house which is being raised in the aftermath of superstorm Sandy, a 3 hour round trip that would undoubtedly involve 30 minutes of crying. I saved the gas and simply burst into tears in the Starbucks parking lot. Instead, Alex and I drove to Myrtle Park, which was suitably dark and tucked away, and I rambled to him about fear and impermanence.
I was in my hometown of 31 years with my new boyfriend of 4 months. I am watching my mother sell her two homes and listening to my father strain with indecision over selling his. My father's house is the center of this angsty tale - the house my great-grandparents lived in, my grandmother died in, my father raised me on graphic adventure computer games in, I was meant to retire in. That may still play out but the odds are as unknowable as me running into my high school CCB BFF, Megan Jones, in La Rosa's earlier that day.
New Jersey doesn't feel the same when I go back. I noticed that around the time I received my throat chakra string bracelet. Feeling different in my own hometown feels like betrayal. I am visiting rather than resuming a previous reality. The latter is not possible. Up until this point, in having my father's house as my eternal safety net, I thought it was. I could always go back. Infinite lives with a restart to level one: Central New Jersey. That is an illusion. I am an adult woman in Washington, DC exploring my voice not an angsty Jersey girl on hold. I am grateful for the forward momentum and pain as the touchstone of spiritual growth. There is always a chance to start over but there's no going back to level one. Would you even want to?